The other week, in an emotional daze, I wrote an open letter to men I have loved/love. Something came over me. Like I needed to cry, reflect scream, breathe.. all at the same time. And I knew that the only way to feel okay again was to finally get everything out. The good, the bad, and the absolute ugly. It took me about 15 minutes to write five pages, but it felt like it took even less time. After getting it out, I started to slightly feel whole again. Like addressing my issues started a healing process that I didn't even know I needed. One pattern I noticed with each person is that I found myself thanking them. Can you imagine? I'm sitting here crying about past flings and loves and pain that I was still holding on to and here I am thanking them? The irony. It felt so natural though, and I realized that I did have a lot to thank them for. They each taught me so much about not just how to love others, but how to love myself. How to be a better woman. How to be a better me. It's funny how love molds us. We're so quick to scream fuck it, that we don't realize just how much it is needed. How without it, we won't ever truly see what we deserve in the long run.
Sometimes we lose our voice when it comes to love. We don't say what we should, when we should. We don't express our emotions at the right time so we are then stuck with unpacking them all in the aftermath. For some, it is easy, for others like myself, it is not. But, even if you don't vocally express how you feel in those moments, you have to get those emotions out eventually. You can not carry that baggage, that hurt, on to your next relationship. Doing that will have you consistently repeating the same mistakes, love after love. I feel like after writing my letter, I let go of so much emotional baggage I didn't even realize I was carrying. I feel that I am on the way to being me again and being able to maturely handle relationships, something I realized I wasn't previously ready for.
I am still in a season of growth when it comes to love and how I perceive relationships. I feel like that is natural though. You should always be growing. You should always be focusing on being better. Learning from past loves always provides these valuable lessons. It was funny to me that a couple of days after I wrote my open letter, Ariana Grande released a song titled "thank u,next" that described literally everything I feel. In her chorus she stated "I've got so much love,Got so much patience,I've learned from the pain, I turned out amazing ", and I couldn't relate more. Through the pain, I have been able to continuously learn what kind of love I need and deserve and not just from others, but from myself as well.
I strongly encourage that we all practice letting go of past damage.Free yourself from the constraints that you may not have even realized that you have placed on your perception of love and relationships. Engage in that healing for your own peace of mind. Through this exercise, I have made myself even more open to discovering the type of love I deserve moving forward. I have also been spending a lot more time falling in love with myself and the woman that I am. Not to toot my own horn but, I'm the shit, OKUUURRR. And so are you! You have to acknowledge and actively learn from past relationships so that years down the line you are not still reminiscing and hurting.
Do not be your pain.
Grow from it.
Love from it.
Learn from it.